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EVEN THE SUN SHINES ON DOG’S BACKSIDE
SOME DAY!
 Well,
it's with mixed emotions I put finger to keyboard,
I have just watched my beloved Aussies go down to
England in one of the most topsy turvey, unbelievable
games of test match cricket ever played.
If you want to read me pissing in the pockets of
English cricket, you may as well stop now and take
a look at today’s edition of the Daily Mirror,
cos I’m an Aussie and you won’t see me
clap the opposition off after getting narrowly beaten
(or pantsed for that matter!)
It was a perfect start for Australia when Pigeon
McGrath rolled his ankle in the warm up. In my view,
it was a master stroke, the Poms had based their
batting plan around Pigeon and we dashed it for them!
Bad news for the Poms when Michael
Vaughan was passed fit to play too! The man simply
can’t
take on the dual roll or skipper/batsman and has
hardly made a run for 2 years. Surely Thorpie could
have a game in between romantic interludes with his
many lassies around the English counties?
PUNTER…WHAT ARE YOU
DOING????????
 Well I wasn’t a huge fan of Punter Ponting’s
choice to bat first on day 1 of the first test, and
I was equally unenthralled by his decision to take
the field this time around.
In perfect cricket viewing condition’s – heater
on and a healthy supply of bourbon and coke, I set
about my task of evaluating the test match to relay
back to AP. Runs flowed, but not wickets and I was
starting to think… maybe strauss can bat,
am I going to eat my words? But reality checked in
when I see that he was dropped on 4 and should have
been busy doing the crosswords for the rest of the
day.
Needless to say things weren’t great from
an Aussie point of view so I decided to go back to
my task of doing friend’s tax returns. Current
count is 28 returns for $67,500 in tax refunds at
an average even the Don would have been proud of.
And at a bottle of grog per job, this man won’t
be walking into a bottle shop for quite some time!
I then resorted to cards session with my latest
tax client – no limit texas hold ‘em.
This passed the time very well, but as I looked up,
the runs kept accumulating, as did my inebriation
as the bourbon and coke was disappearing into my
stomach.
By the way, can someone please tell me why this
guy Ian Bell gets a game? Surely you could find another
South African with some English lineage to fill his
position! Seriously, has he ever made a run at a
level higher than the backyard with the tape on one
side of the tennis ball? Back to the game – 3-170
and then 4-187 and the Aussies are back in it.
Then Freddy and his new sidekick Kevin ‘the
skunk’ Pietersen bashed the Aussie attack to
all parts at nearly a run a ball to wrestle back
the ascendancy. Runs and wickets continued to flow
until the Poms were all out for 407.
Undoubtedly the best day of cricket
I have ever seen the Englishmen compile on the field
against decent opposition, but when put in perspective,
commonplace for the Aussies.
The Aussies got to have a crack at the start of
day 2 and out of form Matty Hayden was first to go
for a golden quack. One wonders if they give him
the sort of anti-hero treatment that befalls the
duck tie wearer on the AP Kent Tour.
Ponting comes in and sets about catching the English
total by days end but is caught out on 61, but this
gets things moving for the Australians, and Damien
Martyn and Michael Clarke follow suit getting some
quick runs. Surprisingly, the usually steady Katich
is out cheap followed by Langer who played a good
test knock and provided support to the dashers. Gilly
came in and made his customary 50 odd, but ran out
of partners and the Aussies ended with 308.
A 100 run headstart, that’s about even money
in my book, but surprisingly the bookmakers read
it 1.98 Australia, 3.10 England, 4.20 Draw. Lets
face it, as bad as English weather can be, there
was no way this game wasn’t going to have a
result.
ENTER THE PANTS MAN
 Shane
Warne is comfortably the best slow bowler there’s
ever been, and any suggestions otherwise were quickly
dispelled in a fine bowling performance on Day 3.
Straussy, you ain’t doing much to make me think
you are any good when you try and pad up to the maestro
and miss the ball by a foot and see you leg stump
taking head on… back to the pavilion for you
buddy!
Vaughan’s great run continued, skittled by
Lee on his 2nd ball. Bell and dangerman Pietersen
managed 20 each and the Aussies were going in for
the kill. Enter one Freddie Flintoff. Rumour has
it he read about an Aussie guy sledging him on the
AP website, and this innings was dedicated to him.
In a little over 2 hours Freddie put the Poms back
in the game, and with a little help from the umpires
(Billy Bowden you’ve got to be kidding me),
managed to put together an invaluable 51 run last
stand with Simon Jones.
Needing 282 one would have thought the Aussies
were home, but history was on the Pom’s side
with not many 4th innings chases of this amount
being reeled in. Stuff the history, I was on the
Aussies to do it comfortably! Langer and Hayden started
positively but the dash to 0-282 was halted with
Langer inside edging a Flintoff ball. The game was
turned on its head when in the same over the skipper
was sent packing for a quack (was Hayden as relieved
as Chris Bennett when someone took the duck tie from
him?).
The Aussies consolidated and at 3-106 things were
looking pretty rosey with Marto and Clarkey in control.
It was at this time I decided to close the eyes as
I'd had a solid night on the gas. Imagine my shock
when I wake up to see in the morning press that the
Aussies were in dire straights at 8-175 overnight!
I didn’t see it so I won't comment, although
I have a running debate with my boss that Gilly never
makes runs when the pressure is on, and there was
another example.
So I sat down in prime time Sunday night to watch
the last 3 Aussies chase down the 107 runs required
to victory. This finish had a suspicious ring to
it! Runs flowed and one was sensing that the Poms
had lost the killer instinct are were rolling over,
then Shane Warne inexplicably tramples on his stumps
with 55 still to get. Kaspa can definitely hold a
bat so all hope is not lost. The run rate continues
to tick over and the target nears, the Pommies tighten
up, the crowd hush. Then Geraint Jones displays his
wonderful keeping prowess (whoever said he was an
Aussie) and lets through 4 byes and 4 leg byes in
quick succession. Simon Jones does his best Herschelle
 Gibbs impersonation and everyone in the crowd (and
Australia) whispers ‘you just dropped the Ashes’.
The earlier smiles on the Pom’s faces had turned
to frowns and Michael Vaughan again went in for the
kill on his last remaining nail. 3 runs required.
What
were the thought processes going through both bowler
and batter? Harmison decides to bowl yet another
short one, however this time Kaspa is in 2 minds,
duck or block, the ball clips the glove and that
great Aussie(?) G Jones takes the catch… game
over, Poms win and square the series.
DAMO’S OBSERVATIONS
A number of talking points came out of this game…
LBW rule – surely we can find a better way.
Too many mistakes.
No ball rule – ditto to the above. Far too
many being missed by the umpires.
Was Kaspa’s hand still on the bat when the
ball hit the glove? Clasping at straws in my opinion
as to the naked eye it looked out, but the Australian
press are going with it.
Strauss – I still don’t like him, and
he cant play Warney (although he has Martos 67 for
the Ashes tour covered now!)
Will Consumer Affairs ever prosecute
the promoters of test match cricket advertising and
selling tickets for 5 day’s play when all the
players are usually on the golf course by the afternoon
of the 4th day? Surely this is misleading and deceptive
conduct! [Whinging Aussie? Surely not! Ed.]
Warney – another 10 wicket haul, simply brilliant.
Who will be his 600th victim? Hopefully that bunny
Strauss!
IS THAT ALL YOU’VE GOT?
 Oh well, the Ashes series is still alive and my
3-0 prediction is shot to bits. One thing is for
sure that there definitely won’t be any dull
5 day draws given that the Pom’s have decided
to embrace the 1 day approach to test match batting.
I’m still certain that we will win the series
(amend it to 3-1 now). One thinks that you guys are
playing close to your optimum and the Aussies are
falling below their usual team efforts.
Good luck to all AP tourists this week. Good having
a chat to many of you on the bus to Belnor. Sing
a song, and drink plenty of beer and nig for Mini!
Damien Devola, LhB (Aus)
Email Damo
[Damo's
views are not necessarily those of APCC and are
probably just the result of too many tinnies
in the midday sun. MB]
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